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Christmas is here (or at least soon, depending on what day you’re reading this).
A time of year that can be joyful and peaceful. But also stressful because you still have to do enough shopping, cooking and cleaning.
So to help you keep this holiday lighter and less stressful, in today’s post I want to share 101 funny Christmas quotes.
I hope you will find something here to relieve some of the inner pressure and stress that both you and your friends, family, and boyfriend or girlfriend are feeling.
So you can all enjoy Christmas even more.
Funny Christmas Quotes and Sayings
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to a department store and asked for my autograph.”
– Shirley Temple
“Christmas is a baby shower that went completely overboard.”
–Andy Borowitz
“Christmas is a time when everyone wants their past to be forgotten and their present to be remembered.”
–Phyllis Diller
“That is the true spirit of Christmas; people who are helped by people other than me.”
–Jerry Seinfeld
“I once wanted to be an atheist, but I gave up – they don’t have holidays.”
– Henry Youngman
“Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.”
–Stephen Graham Jones
“Nothing is more mean than giving a little child something useful at Christmas.”
–Kin Hubbard
“Don’t worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 9 meters tall.”
–Larry Wilde
“I once bought a set of batteries for my kids for Christmas with a note on it that said ‘Toys not included.'”
– Bernard Manning
“Christmas, here again. Let us lift a cup of love; Peace on earth, good will to men, and let them do the dishes.’
–Wendy Cope
“Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.”
– Matt Bellassai
“Send your packages early so the post office can get rid of them in time for Christmas.”
–Johnny Carson
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year.”
– Victor Borge
“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”
– Don Marquis
“I love Christmas. I’m receiving a lot of wonderful gifts that I can’t wait to exchange.”
– Henny Youngman
“Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year… Okay, most of the time… Occasionally… It doesn’t matter, I’ll buy my own stuff.”
– Dave Chappelle
“Christmas is really for children. But we adults can enjoy it too, until the credit card bills come in.”
– Melanie White
“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. Except my bank account.”
– Carrie Visser
“Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.”
–Jim Gaffigan
“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing loudly so everyone can hear. And then immediately apologize to everyone around you.”
–Bill Murray
Funny Christmas quotes for your boyfriend or girlfriend
“All I want for Christmas is for you… to arrive with me.”
– Mindy Kaling
“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.”
– Robert Paulus
“The best gift at Christmas is spending time with the one you love wearing matching ugly sweaters.”
–Tina Fey
“I love you more than Santa loves cookies, and that’s saying something.”
–Jennifer Weiner
“If kisses were snowflakes, I’d send you a blizzard.”
–Christina Lauren
“I’m just a morning person on December 25.”
– Rainbow Rowell
“You put the ‘merry’ in my Christmas, and the ‘happy’ in my holidays.”
– David Sedaris
“The great thing about Christmas is that it is mandatory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
– Garrison Keillor
“Relationships are like Christmas lights: they look like a mess when they’re put away, half of them don’t work, and finding the one that does is worth it.”
–Taylor Jenkins Reid
“Let’s cuddle and watch Christmas movies until we forget what day it is.”
– Jenny Han
“My idea of Christmas is you lying under the mistletoe every chance I get.”
–Nicholas Sparks
“There is no better experience than cutting out your own living Christmas tree from your neighbor’s yard.”
– Dan Florence
“Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth and sweetens every taste bud, making you wish it could last forever. And me? I’m like a fruitcake: you either love me or you hate me.”
–Chelsea Handler
“Let’s be naughty and save Santa’s trip.”
–Gary Allan
“The one time of year I don’t need an excuse to kiss you under random decorations.”
– Sophie Kinsella
“You are the holiday spirit I don’t want back.”
– Johannes Green
‘I got you a present, but I ate it. I’m sorry, I’m not sorry.”
–Amy Schumer
“The best gift around the Christmas tree is the presence of a family enveloped in love. But your gift better be good too.”
– Karen Helton
“Christmas magic is silent. You don’t hear it, you feel it, you know it, you believe it. It’s a bit like how I feel about you.’
–Ronda Byrne
“You are the jingle of my bells.”
–Lauren Blakely
“The best Christmas present is me. Unfortunately I didn’t fit in the stocking.”
– Sarah Dessen
Funny Christmas quotes for Instagram and your Christmas cards
“Dear Santa, define ‘good’.”
–Sarah Morgan
“All I want for Christmas is a six-month vacation…twice a year.”
– Lucy Score
“It’s starting to look a lot like Christmas!”
– Catherine Ryan Hyde
“It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers in one place to look at their cell phones.”
–Jimmy Kimmel
“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”
–Emma Chase
“Christmas calories don’t count. That’s why Santa Claus is fat.”
– Debbie Macomber
“Christmas is mainly for children. But we adults can enjoy it too, until the credit card bills come in.”
– Unknown
“Deck the halls with lots of selfies, fa la la la la, la la la la!”
– Rainbow Rowell
“May your Christmas be filled with laughter, love and leftover cake for breakfast.”
– Jenny Holiday
“I dream of a white Christmas. But when the white runs out, I drink the red.”
– Dave Barry
“This holiday season, let’s make it our mission to eat more cake than last year. We can do this!”
– Kristin Hanna
“May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be spent in pajamas.”
– Sophie Hanna
“Dear Santa, I can explain…”
– Meg Cabot
“The best gift under the tree is a nap. Change your mind.”
– Beth O’Leary
“Christmas is getting all you can get, while the getting is good.”
– Sally Brown (from A Charlie Brown Christmas)
“Dear Santa, I was framed!”
–Jill Shalvis
“This year, let’s get the ‘present’ right and worry about the ‘future’ later.”
– Lucy Parker
“Christmas spirit? I thought you said Christmas beer.”
– Elle Kennedy
“Santa saw your Instagram posts. You get a Bible and coal.”
–Christina Lauren
“If you see me eating Christmas cookies this month, mind your own business. I’m on a holiday diet.”
– Tessa Bailey
Funny Christmas Quotes for Friends
“You can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has passed and I haven’t gotten a single pair.”
–Helen Fielding
“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re at home.”
–Carol Nelson
“A friend is like a Christmas miracle: rare, beautiful and best served with cookies.”
– Jojo Moyes
“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”
– Marian Keyes
“My friend’s idea of being festive is wearing a red sweater instead of a black one.”
– Colleen Hoover
“Christmas is a time to appreciate the original request for friendship – the request Mary received from the angel.”
– Beth O’Leary
“A true friend helps you wrap presents, a best friend helps you wrap presents for their own.”
–Christina Lauren
“The phrase ‘Merry Christmas’ has been interpreted by friends 86,400 times. Yours is probably the weirdest.”
–Taylor Jenkins Reid
“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa Claus.”
– Matt Groening
“It’s always a comfort to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”
– Milton Berle
“The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the problem is that you can’t charge for it.”
–Bill Vaughan
“I didn’t take down my Christmas lights. They look so beautiful on the pumpkin.”
– Winston Speer
“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.”
–Andy Borowitz
“Santa Claus wears a red suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair must be a pacifist.”
–Arlo Guthrie
“Adults can take a simple kid vacation and ruin it. What started as a presentation of simple gifts to surprise and delight children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.
– Erma Bombeck
“The older you get, the harder it is to find someone who cares about Christmas as much as you do.”
– Sophie Kinsella
“Christmas is the time to tell your friends that they are all terrible gift givers, but that you love them anyway.”
– Emily Henry
“Remember, if Christmas isn’t found in your heart, you won’t find it under a tree. But checking both places can’t hurt.”
–Kristen Ashley
“Friends are the family you choose, especially if they help you hide the evidence of Christmas shopping.”
– Sally Thorne
Short and funny Christmas quotes for your letter board
“Believe in Santa Claus at your own peril.”
–Rita Rudner
“First coffee, then Christmas.”
–Jill Shalvis
“Ho Ho Holy expensive!”
–Christina Lauren
“Naughty is the new nice.”
– Emily Henry
“Christmas calories don’t count.”
– Debbie Macomber
“Dear Santa, send help.”
– Colleen Hoover
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
–Phyllis Diller
“I’m just a morning person on December 25.”
– Lucy Parker
“Silent night? Not at this party!”
– Tessa Bailey
“Keep calm and pretend it’s Christmas.”
– Jenny Holiday
“Mistletoe and wine make up for everything.”
–Sarah Morgan
“Christmas chaos coordinator.”
– Beth O’Leary
“These are my Christmas pajamas.”
– Unknown
“Nothing says vacation more than a cheese block.”
–Ellen DeGeneres
“Eat, drink and be broke.”
– Elle Kennedy
“I dream of a wine Christmas.”
– Jasmine Guillory
“Party mode activated.”
– Helen Hoang
“Dear Santa, I have been good.”
– Sophie Kinsella
“Cover the halls with lots of shops.”
– Lucy Score
Do you want more inspiration for a fun and cheerful Christmas? Check out these 101 inspiring Christmas quotes as well as the 120 short Christmas quotes in this post.