A few years ago I was talking to my wife and reminiscing about my younger years when I was in the Marine Corps. Sometimes she would be quite surprised by the stories of the various antics Marines got into, especially the way we treated each other. Informal interaction often involved talking to each other in ways that most people would consider mean insults, or horseplay that would probably be referred to as abuse in most contexts. Once she asked me, “Why were you always so horrible to each other?” And my immediate reaction was, “For the same reason monkeys stab each other in the eye.”
If this doesn’t clear things up for you, let me explain further.
I had recently read a book called Games that primates play: An undercover investigation into the evolution and economics of human relationships. The book looks at social behavior in various primates and illustrates how that behavior is also reflected within human institutions and norms. One behavior common among primates is signaling loyalty and building alliances through inflicting minor damage.
For example, some monkeys in turn deliberately expose vulnerable parts of themselves to another, allowing the other monkey to poke, prod, or grab these areas. Then the routine is repeated in the other direction. The effective signal here is, “If I had wanted to, I could have simply inflicted a devastating injury on you, but I didn’t. And I allowed you to inflict a devastating injury on me, but you didn’t either. Now we know we can trust each other, because we both just had a perfect opportunity to do serious damage, but didn’t.” The book included images of monkeys taking turns poking each other in the eye as part of this routine.
A similar cultural norm has always been in effect among the Marines. The unspoken understanding was, “You can insult me in the most exaggerated ways you can imagine, and I won’t be angry—in fact, I’ll laugh along with you.” And I can do the same to you, and you will laugh with me too. Likewise, the norm regarding the rugged aspect of marine culture sent the same message. As Max Uriarte once said: the Terminal Lance himself:
The phenomena associated with birthdays in the Marine Corps are unprecedented. Say it’s your birthday, anyone else’s birthday (even your mom’s birthday) and it will literally be you physically attacked. The anniversary in the Marine Corps is a dangerous time, wait for the day and hope no one remembers tomorrow; lest you find yourself in a world of angry, blind rage. In a way, this angry hurricane of fists and bruises is the Marines’ way of showing their affection for their fellow soldier.
I remember my 21st birthday. October 112007–Iraq. While I assure you that my spanking was significant, I remain convinced that it was ultimately out of affection.
Although these antics are taken to an extreme in the Marine Corps than among normal (civilized?) people, the same ideas apply. When you get to know someone and he or she falls into the realm of a “casual introduction,” the social norm is to be polite, overlook flaws, pretend not to notice potentially embarrassing blunders, and so on. But when you make friends, things change. Friends tease each other, they make fun of each other, they jokingly emphasize embarrassing blunders instead of pretending not to notice, they make jokes, and so on. And often, making such a move is one person’s way of signaling to the other that the relationship has evolved from a casual acquaintance to a true friendship.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who has occasionally felt that such a transition has occurred and taken the first step to ‘kindly poke fun’ at the other person, only to end up really upsetting that person. to be touched. which made me realize that maybe she and I hadn’t become as close as I had thought. (It can’t be just me, right?) And this is also why such behavior is taken to relative extremes in the military. In the Marine Corps, people had to be able to stay together in extreme pressure environments where lives were at stake. That kind of cohesion requires that people cannot have walls against each other – so daily life depended heavily on regularly demonstrating that all the walls had been knocked down. So no matter how meanly you insulted me or how I insulted you, we would both laugh about it together later that evening over a beer in the barracks.
And therein lies the other side of the coin: this kind of signaling doesn’t really send a signal if it doesn’t at least have the potential to cost something. Attempting to express friendship by exhibiting behavior indistinguishable from the polite, anodyne behavior among acquaintances sends an invisible signal. Sometimes signals are misinterpreted and jokes are made or actions are taken that genuinely upset people. But if that risk wasn’t there, there would be no signal.
Over the course of my life, I have witnessed a number of top-down attempts, both formal and informal, to try to replace these mildly antagonistic forms of friendship, which signaled in favor of a kinder, gentler society. But if the thesis of Games Play primates If you’re right, the kinder, gentler social interaction may not serve as a true substitute for building social cohesion, because these ideas are deeply ingrained in our evolved psychology.
If a monkey committee decided that eye poking is needlessly hostile behavior and discouraged monkeys from engaging in this behavior, the end result would not be greater levels of social cohesion among that group. It would lead to a collapse of the social order on which the troops depend. And there’s a real possibility that the modern push to move social environments to “friendlier, friendlier” places where mildly hostile behavior is prohibited could backfire. Instead of strengthening social bonds, it can only serve to weaken the fabric that keeps social bonds strong.