What is ‘cancer ghosting’? Here’s how to deal with it

Few people would say, “Gosh, I’d really like to be ghosted.” That’s under any circumstances, let alone if they have cancer. But visit discussion forums like Reddit, Quora And Mayo Clinic Connectand you will see how ‘cancer ghosting’ is very common and has made the tough, tough, tough experience of many cancer patients all the more difficult.

What is ‘Ghosting’?

In this case, ghosting doesn’t mean someone yelling “boo,” floating around the room crying or continuing to wear a sheet when they’re around. The term “ghosting” is most often used in the context of a romantic relationship, when someone suddenly cuts off communication with you without any real explanation or warning, as I described in “A funny bone to pick” for Psychology today. But you can also be ghosted by others in other relationship contexts, such as your friends, family members, and coworkers. Basically, ghosting means that the other person acts like a ghost, fades away without much discussion and may never appear again. And in most cases this does not refer to a kind spirit like Casper.

No, for example, in a romantic situation, someone might ghost you instead of explaining, “Hey, I don’t want to date you anymore,” “I found someone else,” or “I have the sexual loyalty of a bunny.” can leave you disappointed, hurt, confused and wondering what really happened. It can also leave you in an operational and financial ‘what-to-do-now bind’ if you were dependent in any way from the ghoster, for example when making future plans with him or her.

Cancer ghosting can make a bad experience much worse

Take all these things at several worse levels and you have the potential impact of cancer ghosting. Clearly, cancer is not something you can just dismiss. The diagnosis itself can turn your world upside down in so many ways. And the investigation, treatment, and other aftermath can be so complex and far-reaching in so many ways. If you ever needed others in your life for emotional support, sounding boards to discuss options, help with logistics and other, you know, friend-like things, now would be the time. Yet it is also a time when some or many people can become poof.

For example, @chateau posted on Mayo Clinic Connect: “I was diagnosed with colon cancer 6 weeks ago and I have noticed that many of my ‘friends’ have disappeared.” The 38-year-old added this about what her two ‘best’ friends had been: ‘Their initial reactions were normal and they said if there was anything they could do for me to let them know. All I asked is if we would have tea or go for a walk this week, and neither of us even looked at my message. They didn’t even wish me luck with the surgery. It is very difficult to bear because I was expecting visitors or at least phone calls.”

Later in the post, @chateau wrote: “I’m very sad. I realize I need new friends and I don’t even know where to start. I would never ignore a friend, let alone someone going through a battle with cancer. I’m shocked.” The message ends with: “I think I’m really good company. I think if I don’t have this, some friends won’t see value in me. I can’t believe it.”

As another example, Natasha Carlson described on the Healing websitehow experiencing cancer ghosting was “one of the most painful parts of the whole cancer experience for me. Losing my breasts was hard. Losing my good friend of 22 years… wasn’t something I even remotely thought could happen.

The number of reports of cancer ghosting shows that this does not just happen every now and then. Some posts even report the results of an informal poll conducted by War on Cancer: 65% of respondents reported experiencing cancer ghosting from their friends or family members after being diagnosed with cancer. That’s more than half.

There are many reasons for the appearance of cancer

Cancer ghosting can seem selfish and cruel, and rightly so. And people generally don’t think, “I really want to seem like a $!@&$ to my friends.” Additionally, those who ghost you need to realize that they may be effectively ending their friendships or future opportunities with you.

So why do people do cancer then? Well, it can be very difficult to say this for every ghoster, as ghosting also means that the person does not give an honest explanation or even any explanation for his or her disappearance. But here are some possibilities:

• They never really cared about you in the first place. This is the big “P” parasite opportunity where previously they interacted with you primarily to achieve something personally or professionally. When you are in a weakened state, you may no longer be able to provide such benefits.
• They are naturally self-centered and lack empathy. For some people it’s always about ‘me, me, me’ and, let’s see what else, oh that’s right, ‘me’. This includes those who may initially appear or act empathetic, but deep down are not, such as dark empaths, whom I previously described for Forbes.
• They feel like they don’t have the time, bandwidth, or capabilities to help you. They may feel underwater, consumed with dealing with their own problems. They may see adding your challenges to their lives as pulling even more blocks from their already shaky Jenga towers.
• They don’t want to be reminded of their own vulnerability and mortality. Seeing you experience bad things can be an unwanted warning that it could happen to them too. Their lives can be turned upside down at any moment. In extreme cases, some may even believe that your bad luck can be contagious.
• They don’t know what to do. They may be afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. So their default, instead of asking you what you need, is to do nothing, which can come across as a lot of hassle.

Of course, none of the above reasons can make you say, “Cool. You are the spirit with the most.” However, regardless of the reason for the ghosting, it is not your responsibility to find out why someone did something like that to you. Ultimately, ghosting reflects some kind of flaw (whether it’s a lack of compassion, insight, trust, courage, understanding of what friendship means, or something else) in the ghosters and not in you.

How to deal with cancer ghosting

The best way to deal with cancer ghosting is to get away from the ghosters. No matter how long you’ve known the ghosters, you have to ask yourself: Do you really want people like that in your life anymore? Will you ever be able to trust them again? If they try to reappear in your life somehow in the future, it may be best to keep them as far away from you as possible unless they can somehow fully explain why they disappeared , sincerely apologize and make amends and can guarantee that this will happen. won’t happen again.

Now you may be worried that you don’t have anyone else to replace the ghosters in your friendship circle, especially now that you’ve been diagnosed. However, remember that friendship is about quality, not quantity. Plus, you never know who else might come into your life once you clear away the dead weight and make space.

Ultimately, cancer ghosting may have its benefits. Such acts of disappearance can be great revelations, showing you who people really are. After all, if you’re going through a really hard time and really need support, you don’t want people around you who have even a chance of actually helping you.