Why your teen thinks you cringe: A pediatrician explains

Around the age of thirteen, teenagers suddenly become disgusted and ashamed of almost everything their parents do. Some parents find it amusing to suddenly cringe in front of their children, just as their own parents became uncool in front of their children. Other parents feel hurt. But teens’ relentless criticism can become tiring, and parents end up wondering why teens behave the way they do.

This past week I found the best description I’ve seen yet from psychologist Lisa Damour article for the New York times, in which she describes how teenagers develop “an allergy to their parents,” which “begins suddenly around age 13” and lasts for months or years. How parents respond to their teens during this time will make a big difference in how long their shyness lasts.

Teenagers become separated from their parents

In my own pediatric practice, I have often described teenagers to parents in terms of the toddler years. Toddlers were just babies in their arms and can now move independently through their environment. They want to control their world and become independent from their parents. This is when they start saying to their parents, “I’ll do it myself,” first with behavior and finally with words.

But toddlers still need their parents intensely, which is why, after boldly crossing a room, they look back to make sure their parent is still there. When all that courageous independence becomes too much, toddlers suddenly need to be picked up and cuddled. Moments later, they squirm and insist on being knocked down to get back on the road and seek independence again.

Teenagers are much the same. Not only do they now need more physical space, teens also experience a biologically programmed need for it form their own identity as a person separated from their parents. It is tiring and stressful for them.

This is the time when teens start to reject certain things that their parents do or like. Most parents understand this: children have their own styles and trends and their parents’ things are now dated. But why does your style bother them so actively? Damour explains this beautifully,

“You may not mind wearing outdated sneakers, but if your teen doesn’t agree with your shoe choice, he may find it unbearable, at least for a while. Why should he care what’s going on? your feet? Because his identity is still intertwined with yours; until he’s had time to create his own look, your style may get in the way of his.’

Teenagers are ashamed of the interests they share with their parents

It makes sense that teens would be ashamed of the things about their parents that they reject, but why do the things they share with them make them so bent out of shape? As Damour explains, it is exactly that because they share interests with their parents that teenagers are allergic to them. They must find a way to integrate those interests into their own identity, separate from their parents.

In one example, Damour tells the story of a teenager who enjoyed running with his father but suddenly refused. Instead, he took up running with his cross country team friends as a way to master running.

How parents can survive teen shame

So how do parents survive the years when nothing we do is right in the eyes of our children? Damour has some suggestions, and I have a few of my own. These are Damour’s:

1. Embrace your teen’s new allergy to you as a good sign of normal development.
2. Ignore their criticism or remind them that it’s okay to be shocked by us, but they shouldn’t be rude.
3. Sometimes your teen’s self-consciousness is an opportunity to connect. Consider this story Damour tells:

“When I was growing up and a friend’s allergy to his parents was at its peak, his mother allowed him to choose her outfit when they had to go to school events together. Of course, a case can be made against indulging in hypersensitivity in adolescents. But a case can also be made that eighth grade orientation is stressful enough. If wearing one sweater instead of the other makes little difference to you, why not do what you can to ease your teen’s mind?

How to make it easier for your teen

There are a few more strategies that can help your teen feel supported during this stage. And the more you make him or her feel supported, the easier it will be for your teen to relax with you.

Take your teen seriously

Remember those commercials where the father sees a toddler asking for the keys to the car, instead of his young adult daughter? Parents’ perceptions often lag behind their children’s actual maturity. And just like when they were little and kept asking, “Have you seen me?” teenagers desperately want their parents to see the people they are becoming.

As a pediatrician, I connect with teenagers by taking what they say seriously. It’s amazing how they open up when you discuss their thoughts and ideas with them, just as you would with a colleague. In my practice, I have noticed that when parents talk to their teens in this way, the couples feel much more comfortable with each other. In contrast, parents who continue to talk down to their teens as they would younger children find their teens restless and withdrawn.

Let your teens teach you

Young teens are discovering their world and want to share their perspective. In their excitement, they can be know-it-alls who have a developmental need to reject their parents’ opinions.

Instead of getting defensive, let your teen instruct you about the world. Welcome their thoughts and enjoy them, without worrying about whether they are ‘correct’ or not. The point is that they think carefully and practice important skills. Instead of correcting them, try responses like, “Tell me more about that” or “I heard something different, what do you think?” And if you’re really up for a challenge, teach them How to think by asking them what someone who disagrees with them might say and why.

Use humor

Nothing works better with adolescents than joining in on the joke. I find that when I approach teenagers (both patients and my own children) with a little twinkle in my eye and a sardonic comment about my own cringe, they connect with me. Sometimes we even joke together about their own awkwardness and overreaction as teenagers.

Give teenagers space without letting them go

With both of my sons it happened overnight. One day they came over all day to talk to me, the next day they sat in their room with the door closed and I only saw them at dinner.

Even though you miss them, give your teen the space he craves and give him permission to let you know when he needs it. And requiring them to spend regularly scheduled time with you. My sons are expected to spend time with me twice a day every day, once at dinner as a family and half an hour one-on-one every evening. We also go out for ice cream every now and then and talk one-on-one in the car.

You won’t always embarrass your teen

The sooner you respect your teens’ new sense of identity and give them the respect, space, and independence they crave, the sooner their annoyance with you will subside. By respecting their need to separate from you, you make it easier for your teen to want to connect with you.

And don’t forget, their brains are still growing. As Damour writes: “As they grow older, evolving cognitive capacities Give them the opportunity to think beyond just seeing their parents as being, or different from, how they want to be.”